Teen girls are God's sense of humor hard at work.

God's sense of humor

Teen drama

My daughter Sondra finally ironed things out with her boyfriend.  All is right in her little corner of the world.  I have to say, he is just as insane.
Here was there last conversation that I heard about for hours;  Boyfriend was upset because she didn't text him right away after their fight and so he would up having to text her at 4 in the morning.  He then refused to text her at all because he just wanted her to know what it felt like to not be texted and Sondra didn't text him because I told her to just give him space and so she was mad at me because I should have known he was more like a girl than a guy and wanted to be texted and not left alone.  Wow!  I can't imagine having a relationship like that.  How "Days of our lives".  My relationship is more mellow.  I wake up and bitch at Brian about there being no coffee even though he'd been up for hours playing a ridiculous internet game and he will soon drink half the pot that I have to make.  I then spend several hours cleaning the house, watering the yard and the garden, doing the laundry, and doing any type of errands that need done.  Meanwhile, back at the computer, my husband sits unblinking at his ridiculous internet game, taking a brief moment to eat, drink, use the restroom, and scratch himself.  Oh yes,  he also passes gas, which is a difficult job I'm sure.  So, my daughter is with a guy who clearly has to much estrogen coursing through his veins, while she has to much "I'm a psycho teen girl", running through hers, and I have a husband who resembles a comatose patient with a severe case of flatulence while I am a nonstop mom who can't slow down even after the doctor told me I have Hypertension.  

A friend of the family

 Cage, Handcuffs, crazy man, oh my!

When you should re-evaluate your relationship.

My mom use to hang out with one lady for soooooo many years.  She was her best friend for most of my life.  Not to long ago, she came into town and had lunch with us.  Now, I remember having heard that she came up missing for a while, but after a few weeks was found.  I asked about what had happened and she said she had met a guy online.  When she met him, he locked her in a cage and used a cattle prod on her.  She said, "he just emailed me a few days ago, and I said if he wanted to continue dating, then there would be no caging, handcuffing, or cattle prods involved.  There has to be a few set rules here."
I cocked my head and made a queer face.  "Carm,"  I said.  "Are you flipping crazy?  He's a sociopath, and you're thinking of seeing him again?"
"Well, as long as he knows the rules, we should be all fine and dandy."
Thinking about this conversation, I remember back to how absolutely crazy SHE was, and I totally understand why she doesn't realize that this poster child for SERIAL KILLER is NOT someone most sane women want to have a relationship with.  Of course, this woman once laid in the snow with nothing on but a g-string bikini just waiting for someone to ask what she was doing so she could reply, "I knew I made a wrong turn at the interstate."
Was there something in the water back in the 70's or was it just all the happy pills and wonder weed that created a generation like this?

Cowboy days

Guys are never too old to play cowboys.

 

A friend of the family (Kelly was his name) was always doing the craziest things.  I mean way out there type of stuff.
We got up one morning and made a pot of coffee.  Before we could sit and enjoy a cup, we heard a noise outside.  When we looked out the window, we saw the large ant hill we'd been trying to get rid of for some time and Kelly.  He took a stick and pushed into the center then withdrew it, making a neat round hole down the center.  He then poured gun powder down the hole then began making a line from the hole several feet down the sidewalk.  With a wide grin, he lit the end of the gunpowder and after a couple of seconds, it went out.  A frown crossed his face and he shrugged briefly, then bent over and lit it again.  This time, he stayed close to the ground and watched closely, but it went out again, he lit it, and again it went out after only a few moments.
Now, we could have, and should have said something as he neared the ant hole filled with gunpowder.  We should have, but we didn't think of it as we stood there completely amazed at the absurdity of a grown man doing this.
Finally, he neared the top of the ant hill and I was certain he'd realize he was over the top of the ant hill, but instead of making a new line of gunpowder or giving up completely, he lit it one more time.  The explosion was a site for sure.  We opened the front door to see if he was alright and he stood there staring at us with dirt caked to his face.  His hair was singed and his eyebrows gone.  With an eye twitching, he calmly dusted himself off and walked into our kitchen.  Without a word he poured himself a cup of coffee and sat down.  "Well," he began, "it looks like you still have an ant problem."
I cannot believe he actually did that and to be so calm afterwards.  It was the funniest thing I'd ever seen.  It could have ended badly, but it didn't and you have to admit, to see a grown man do something so crazy and juvenile is just hilarious.

Just another day in the trailer park.

A bird crapped on hubby's car!

Karma hard at work

My husband, Brian, washed his car the other day.  He was sooo proud of his little, and might I add, girl-like ride.  I have to use this car at the time since mine is a bit under the weather at the moment.  So, I run my daughter to the doctors office for blood work.  Now, the parking lot is simply a paved lot with NO trees of any sort.  By the time we came out, we saw that a whole flock of birds had flown over my husband's car and had paid him back for having dared to clean his car without their permission.  It had so many splatters of bird poo on it that I couldn't even begin to count.  I, of course, did not wash it.  I had no money since Brian was nice enough to have ALL the cash put on a card that only he could access, so have fun washing your car again Brian.  Lol.
When I gave him back his car, his jaw dropped and I was almost certain I saw a tear or two just brimming at the surface. 
"What the hell!"  He said.  "Did you park under a huge tree or something?"
"Nope,"  I said "the extreme manliness of your little convertible just scared the crap right out of every bird in town."

The flood.

Water Works

Where's Noah's arc when you need it?

My husband, Brian, has been working for my step-father in this mobile home park for a week now.  They have been digging up and fixing the water pipes, which seems to be a major fiasco.  My husband walked up to the house just yesterday and I noticed he was caked in mud and dripping wet from head to toe.  I asked what had happened and he told me that while cleaning the dirt from around a pipe with a screw driver, he nicked the pipe and it literally exploded, sending water and mud several feet high soaking my poor, sad, not so little husband.  I had banished him to the outdoors while he dried off.  Don't feel sad for him.  Could you imagine the mess my floors would be in?
Anyway, after a few hours, he had dried off and seemed less irritated.  He tells me, "Well, your dad wants me to go back over, but this time he's gunna use a backhoe to dig around the pipe."  To which I reply, "I don't see that going so well."  He shrugged it off and set out to help my step-dad dig the hole.  Next thing I know,  my water is off, and Brian is walking up the drive even more muddy and soaked than the last time.  Boy, the look on his face told the whole story and it was all I could do not to laugh.  I put on my "I'm so sorry"  look, and asked him what had happened.
"I was standing in the hole and your dad hit the pipe.  The damn thing blew up and a huge spray of water hit me right in the face and before I could get my @$$ out of the hole, I waist deep in mud."  He started up the steps and all I could hear was a squish, squishing sound as his feet swam in the water of him mud caked work boots.  He sat down on the step all forlorn and took a deep breath.  "I hate digging."

Tater Tot

Dog talk

What would man's best friend say if he could?

No, Tater tot does not refer to a potato-type product that may or may not be hazardous to our health.  Tater Tot is my really fat Chinese pug who is seven years old now.  I only recently became Taters family.  Before he came to me, he was living with my brother and before that an old man who finally went to a rest home.
I see lots of people writing about their pets from the pets point of view.  This is interesting, but not something I plan to do full time for my blog especially since Tater would be difficult to write about form his point of view.
A blog like that would look a bit like this...

I'm laying here, I'm laying here, I'm thinking of getting up but my big fat butt won't allow it, and were is my incentive.  I just ate all the food in my bowl, and I already took a crap in my masters yard.  Of course when she comes in here to cook dinner....Oh boy, oh boy!  Here she comes.  Yes!  She's breaking out the bacon.  I'll just creep up really slowly behind her, and with any luck she'll drop a few bits on the floor.  Oops, I tripped and now I'm back up.  I'm on my way, I'm almost there.  Oh crap, she noticed me and now she's telling me to go lay down.  Does she know what it took for me to drag myself all the way over here?  It's a full two feet away from my comfy, and might I add, very hairy bed.  Come on lady, let me just have one piece.  If I give her my puppy dog eyes maybe....nope, it didn't work, she's on to me with that one.  She stomped her foot and told me, "Tater, go lay down right now."  I can't smell that good stuff and not get a bite.  Yes!  She dropped a piece and even as fat as I am, I caught it before she could take it away and tomorrow, I'll leave her a big surprise right in front of her lawn chair.  Pay backs a female dog lady.

Yes folks, that it what a typical blog post would be from Tater's point of view.  I might add that he DID leave that wonderful pile of Tater tots directly in front of, not one, but BOTH lawn chairs and I'm pretty sure it's because I didn't give him a strip of bacon.  Well, can you blame me?  When I got him, he was incredibly fat so, I put him on a diet for his own good.  I told my husband just last week, "I have had him on a diet for months now and he's still just as fat.  I don't get it.  I only feed him a small bag of moist dog food a day."  to which my husband replied,  "I give him a bag of it every morning."  and my son chimed in, "I give him a bag of it at night sometimes."   And just then, I noticed out of the corner of my eye, my three year old dropping a piece of sausage on the floor for him.  No wonder he's not losing any weight!  And why in the heck does he still beg for food like a starved animal?  He's beginning to remind me of my ever widening husband, who is in need of a serious diet now to.  He finally realized that when he tried all of his jeans on and had to opt for the sweats again because he busted the button on one pair of jeans and simply couldn't zip any of the others.  He should have listened to me months ago when I said,  "honey, I think you're getting a bit fat."  O.k.  I know, that was a tad insensitive, but I have tried to give him subtle hints, but then he'd just go fill a bowl full of ice cream or grab a huge mound of Oreo cookies, so I figured that I needed to be extremely honest and blunt with him.  It didn't work.  He still eats like a horse.  Even the busted button that flew across the room didn't give him pause as he made his way to the cookie jar.

Oh those teen years.

Teen.  Need I say more?

My 19 year old daughter Ashley is off to see a guy friend.  I am actually happy about this because for the past three days she has sulked and cried and begged me to tell her that everything was going to be fine and he still loved her and life would be perfect and....Holy crap, did I ever sound like that?  I hope not and I hope nothing happens between the two of them again.  The fight was ridiculous and mostly her fault.  When girls feel emotional they should never start texting their guy friends because what happens is they ALWAYS insert foot and it gets stuck until the emotional what-the-heck-ever is over.  My lovely daughter began to yell at her boyfriend because he didn't text her back fast enough and he failed to tell her his ex-girlfriend was over with her new boyfriend and when she said she missed him he didn't answer, but instead answered another text of hers.  Holy crud!  I just read this post and it seems a lot like some crazy soap opera on crack.  I can't wait until she's MUCH older.  I know, I know, that means I'll be much older, but what the heck, I think I'm o.k with that.  My buttocks, breasts, and once firm face can plunge south for all I care as long as the drama queen gets a new national past time and a peaceful calm invades my home filling me with the type of serenity I only dream about at the present time.

Living with a loon

Aliens invasion

The end is near!

Today is the first day of my husband finally getting off his butt to work after being laid off since January.  It's only a brief thing, but he's also working very hard waiting on unemployment.  He actually breaks a sweat sometimes when he's not mulling over the impending alien attack.

A couple of weeks ago we saw a bright light in the sky that flew across our house then hovered for a bit in the North East.  After a minute or two, it simply faded to nothing.  Now my husband BELIEVES without a doubt that aliens are on their way.  Every time he sees a large cloud he says, "It's probably placed there to hide the mother ship."  He thinks that, because food is so unhealthy, that the aliens are fattening us up for food and the thinner folks will be used for slave labor. 

Although I don't think we are the only life in the entire universe, I am not inclined to believe that aliens are coming or that they have ever been here.  Where's the proof?  I need proof and not just a cheesing picture that may or may not have been photo shopped.  I certainly don't  think other beings are coming to harvest humans for food.  My son is now leaning toward the idea that aliens are on their way to.  I almost can handle the insane ramblings of one, but of two now?  Not sure I can get through it without losing a few I.Q points.  However, it does make for an interesting day.